Make a homemade TV Guide Channel in your kitchen.

It may come as a shock to find out that someone who blogs about TV still has basic cable.  It's true.  I have a big ass HD TV and watch my favorite shows in the crappiest quality imaginable.  As a consequence of living in the boob-tube dark ages I must rely on the TV Guide Channel to find out what's on.  Unlike the straight forward and navigable (and often yellow) 'GUIDE' button, the TV Guide Channel serves to imprison you with the following craptastic gimmicks;



First, the actual listings only occupy 1/3 of the screen.  It may be less, I haven't taken a ruler to my television.  This means you can only see two and a half channels worth of programming.

Second, the listings move just fast enough that you can read everything but just slow enough that the channel you really wanted to see won't come scrolling past for another two minutes.

Third, the 100 or so digital channels offered by the cable company also scroll through the programming list.  The only possible reason for this is to keep you watching while the programming (and the scrolling schedule) plays adverts.  Why else?  If you have digital cable then you have the magic yellow 'GUIDE' button!  You wouldn't need the TV Guide Channel!

Fourth, the first 2/3 of the screen is devoted to miscellaneous programming.  Mostly repeats of the vapid crap that VH1 has been churning out for the last five or so years.  (Basically a bunch of chlamydia riddled skanks competing to have their implants tickled by some minor celebrity, or someone who's famous for being in a show about competing to have their implants tickled by some minor celebrity.  Confused yet?)  Though, with the death of Michael Jackson and the separation of Jon and Kate Gosselin this summer the channel has devoted itself to endless repeats of gossipy pap.  While gormless and without any sense of tact or social responsibility, the programming is somehow hypnotic enough to make you miss the entire schedule as it scrolls by.  Thus you're stuck waiting for it to cycle through while advertisements break up the programming.

Watching TV Guide channel makes me feel like I'm in some combination of a checkout line, a mall, a free clinic and Disneyland when I only want to see what's on TV!

So how do you make your own TV Guide channel at home?  Just follow these simple steps;

Step One:  Take an over the counter laxative.
Step Two: Crap in a stew pot.
Step Three: Simmer crap stew until a froth forms on the top.
Step Four: Spoon the froth from the stew and drizzle on your television.
Step Five:  Pour remainder over your head.

Viola!  Your very own TV Guide Channel made in your kitchen.

You think that's a harsh assessment?  You obviously have access to the 'GUIDE' button.